After a more than decade long underground struggle, what have I achieved? I know the people’s revolution which sidelined the King was not something I led even if I am saying otherwise officially. That was general people – without any political affiliation – tired of atrocities of my party and sick of absolute monarchy – rising up like volcano. Why did I have to take credit of the people’s uprising and get out of the cell? I had no choice as my party workers were getting tired and restless, leaders were getting older and discipline among the rank and file was falling. My orders would not reach the ground and would not be followed. My party workers were being challenged everywhere as people were sick of their attitudes. Female cadres were being raped and homo-sexuality was going up. For many of my comrades, extortion, looting and raping had become a life style. I was nervous and crossing 50 years of age and was challenged by the reality of life too. My old body was suffering from the symptom of hypertension, diabetes and muscle pain.
Actually, joining people’s tide worked out fine. I became instant hero as I came out of the cell from which I had directed killing of thousands of innocent people. In the name of attacking royal army, I used children and women as human shield and those who died were declared martyrs while true party members hardly ever faced the army. I can’t sleep these days as souls of those innocent people are pulling me from everywhere. These days I question to myself what have I achieved. My party is minority in the government. Girija is playing me like a joker in the deck of playing cards. My comrades can’t reveal their identities in Terai and many other parts of the country. The constituent assembly election is coming and I know that the Maoists can’t win the election. I will be defeated and may even perform weaker than former Panchas’ party. Nepali Congress and UML will bring the King back to the seat after they have the majority in constituent assembly. Then where do I go? I may even be prosecuted at international court of justice for killing thousands of people because at many occasions they were used as human shield by the Maoists. I see no reason to participate in the constituent assembly election. I see two courses – likely: go back to the jungle or force the ouster of the King prior to the election. In the latter case, I can take credit for ousting the monarchy and sleep well. I need something. I can’t continue like this. I am restless.